As I was telling new-found-reader-and-friend, Brooke, I’ve been a right shit lately about posting on this blog. A right shit. That’s gotta change. And while I was throwing this around in my head for a while, a (probably) spectacular idea burst forth from the conversation I was having mentally with Brooke. I am going to sit down to this blog daily (fingers crossed!) and put down the contents of my head, a la The Artist’s Way. Why do I pressure myself to produce posts of ponderous significance? (Get it? Ponderous? Hee hee.) I have a weird way of weighing my words (HA!) and then censoring the ones that don’t seem important enough (read: worthwhile) for posting here.
Have you had enough of my riotous puns? Yeah, me, too. I’m leaving off here. But I’ll see you very soon.
I got an e-mail recently from a reader that pointed out my recent drizzle of posts and though I was thrilled to receive the letter, I felt like I had let that reader down. I use this blog as a place to exorcise my demons (and just for the record, I first typed “exercise my demons,” as though they need a good cardio workout or somthing). And from what I’ve heard from folks, it seems like a place that some visit for a similar exorcism, just vicariously in their instance. I see the value in this place, I’ve just felt very constrained lately. The things that have been LOUD and in my face lately are the sorts of things that need a measure of respect and privacy. I’ve got some emotional barfing to do, but I don’t want to do it in someone else’s lap, if you know what I mean.
I’m starting to tear up….this sucks.
Any advice from other bloggers out there? How do you reconcile the issue of private conflict and resolution in the public sphere? I would love some advice.
Who would have thought that I would have embraced the apron strings so fully? But that is exactly what has been happening lately. I have taken over the meal planning for the entire family, and it has TOTALLY HELPED MY EATING DISORDER. Nobody is more surprised than me.
The Cute Canadian Geek and I sat down for a Come To Jesus about our lack of a strong daily routine and the way it impacts my eating and his mood. We set up the bare bones structure of a day around meals, waking up and going to bed, time for personal pursuits, and exercise. And you know what? It’s ridiculously liberating.
One of the results has been my taking over the meal planning. At first, I felt very apprehensive because historically, Morgan + Food Choices = Disaster. But this time around, there was another person in the equation, and that has made a huge difference. CCG doesn’t put any input into meals because he’s just not picky and prefers that I take the lead. So being freed up from the anxiety of trying to guess what he wants to eat, I can focus more on what would be good for him to eat. And focusing on that has helped me be more mindful what would be good for ME to eat.
This has totally brought out my inner Holly Homemaker. I make a simple breakfast for us; I pack lunches and snacks for us to take to work; and in the evening I get to make a dinner that we can share. And… I. LOVE. IT. Doing this hits all the right buttons on me. It gives my Caretaker Button a little rub since I enjoy taking care of the people close to me; it hits my Anti-Eating Disorder Button by calming the chaos; and it lets the Valedictorian Button get all tingly, because I do love a sense of accomplishment and a job well done. It’s wonderful to see how much better CCG and I are feeling as this goes on.
I’m interested to see where this goes. Last night I put together a pan of enchiladas. By myself. For the first time ever. It’ll be cooking up tonight so my fingers are crossed for a tasty result!
PS: Y’all should ask Ellie sometime about her crunchy-granola friend that makes her own yogurt and cheese. I can’t even begin to think about tackling something like that.
A letter arrived in the mail, oh, I don’t know, weeks ago? It was from my primary care clinic, updating me on the results of the blood work done during my annual exam.
Blood Pressure: Lovely….
Pap Smear: Clear!
Glucose: Nice job….
Cholesterol: Borderline High
Borderline High?!?!?
I will tell you this now: so powerful is the tool of denial that I actually set this letter down and forgot about it for THREE WEEKS. At the time of reading it, my brain went all haywire and a long to-do list of healthy eating, therapy sessions, and conversations with the Cute Canadian Geek bantered about between my ears. And then I totally forgot about it. Could this be one of those emotional protective mechanisms at work? My body and brain could see a meltdown on the horizon, so they just took the system offline for a while?
When it finally made its way back on to my radar during a session with PhD Smiley, I was a little dismayed by my reaction, because, OMG! I’m not a healthy fat person anymore, and OMG! I’m going to be kicked out of the Health At Any Size Club, and OMG! everyone is going to point their finger at me and tell me I got what I deserve for being a fat pig, and OMG! I have to stop eating delicious fried foods, and OMG! that’s going to make my eating disorder go crazy and I’m going to die - DIE!! - because I can never have french fries again, but wait a minute, I’m already dying from Borderline High Cholesterol! GAH! I want french fries!
Did you see all that muckity-muck? That was the “Crazy” and the “Cholesterol” part of this post.
What’s that, you say? Where is the “Sexy” part?
Stay with me for a second, ’cause I’m going to step out on a limb for a minute. (Well, it’s a limb for me.) But I think that the “Sexy” part of the this post could be the “Healthy” part. I wonder if health can be sexy. I am painfully aware of the way that I have defined sexy most of my life. Sexy = thin. Duh. But now as I look at this situation - and it isn’t all overreactive drama, my father died in his 50’s from heart disease - I have to wonder what health means for me at this point. Can the pursuit of that health be a pursuit of my own sexiness? What will that look and feel like?
Truth be told, I’m a wee bit scared out of my wits right now. But because I’m so good at denial, I’m going to go off and forget this post ever happened, leaving you with the movie trailer that inspired the title of this post: Crazy, Sexy Cancer.
I saw a billboard in Uptown Minneapolis that depicted a man pulling himself up over a ledge. We are looking at him head on, his face twisted with effort and he hauls himself up. Above him appear these words:
Pain is just weakness leaving your body.
You wouldn’t believe how fast this billboard put me on alert. My Eating Disorder antennae immediately popped up and began twittering about excitedly. Pain? Weakness? My pain and suffering is a purging of weakness? All that hurt from dieting and restricting….it was a sign that I was succeeding??
After taking a day to think about, I could argue the same thing about my recovery, couldn’t I? It’s painful, but I keep doing it because I’m managing to discard something that I’ve been holding on to for so long; something I’ve been needing to get rid for too many years. I go through the pain because I want to see the eating disorder leave my body.
Now when I think of that billboard slogan, I don’t even think of the Marines or Reservists, or whatever the hell it was advertising. I think about that line, “Pain is just weakness leaving your body,” and think it sounds like the pathetic chorus of a whiny pop song that the pro-ana crowd will rally behind and use to sountrack the oodles of gooey thinspiration videos populating the YouTube Universe.
Sigh. Why do I still wish that I could enjoy hunger pains and be happy that I’m not eating?
My husband rented Get Smart today. While I adore Steve Carrell and think that he has one of the best faces in Hollywood (there’s just something about his face that I adore. Especially his sad face.), I had seen the dancing scene where he lifts the fat girl over his head in the previews and went “*sigh* yet another fat girl that the world can laugh at.”
I was wrong. In fact the movie handled the issue of fat (Steve’s character used to be fat) in a way I don’t think I’ve ever seen in a Hollywood movie…with no judgment at all. “What,” you say “…how can this be?!? A Hollywood movie that doesn’t take the easy road of “Ha ha, look at the disgusting fat pigs!”? Inconceivable!”
(None of this below is really a spoiler)
Max and 99 are at a dance and Max walks up to a group of thin, beautiful girls and asks one of them to dance in Russian. Thin blonde looks at him derisively and says “I don’t think so.” Max: “Oh, I wasn’t talking to you.” Girls part to show a fat girl in a blue evening dress. Girl: “Oh, uh…no, I can’t.” Max:”C’mon.” Skinny girls giggle at the fat girl, and you can see how uncomfortable she is when she walks onto the floor. They dance and discuss how they each lost 150 lbs and both feel lighter on their feet (remember, she’s still fat).
Max and fat girl dance and it turns into sort of a contest between Max and 99, which Max and the fat girl win when he holds the fat girl over his head in a lift. After the lift, Max says “Thanks for jumping.” Girl: “No problem.” (I LOVE THIS. It acknowledges she’s fat and hard to lift, and that she did a lot of the work, but no judgment! w00t!). As the dance ends to riotous applause and fat girl walks past the gaggle of skinny chicks looking on enviously, she gives them the finger.
I actually stood up from the sofa and cheered. I couldn’t help myself. I’m glad I didn’t see it in the theater because I would have made an asshole of myself.
FatGrrls and Boys, please buy this movie to show support for people that made a movie that included a fat person who was part of the joke, not THE joke. Show some love to producers that choose the path that doesn’t heap judgement and shame on fat people, and actually shows the fat girl/boy winning now and then.
Make your voices heard! I personally, voted for Obama because I really think that he can take our country to amazing new places and help fix what’s wrong in a honest and open way. Either way, vote vote vote!
I try not to get political in other people’s states, but if we have any California readers, please, please, PLEASE vote no on California’s Prop 8, which would take away the rights of married, Same-sex couples. Everyone deserves the same health, property, inheritance rights, tax benefits, and respect.
