We Interrupt This Retirement…

We interrupt this Retirement in Progress with a couple of news updates:

1. The Canadian has returned home! I drove up to Winnipeg earlier this month and brought the Canadian home. FatGrrl vs. Immigration. And the winner is….FatGrrl!

2. Grad school applications are done and submitted. FINALLY! I applied to the University of Washington and the University of British Columbia. I will now cross my fingers for as long and has hard as I can.

Such Sweet Sorrow

My butt’s been dragging lately, folks, and I see the way it is affecting my time here. This pursuit is something that more and more easily gets pushed to the side to make way for other things that are taking up my time, energy, soul, etc. It’s a bummer. And as much as I love to set ginormous goals for myself that can then set me up for failure - woohoo! self-flagellation! - I think it might be better to admit to myself that all things eventually come to an end, even the great things, and that it’s okay to say goodbye.

I’ve talked it over with Ellie, and let her know what I planned. She’s currently in an apartment without internet access - the situation is giving her hives, I’m sure - but she asked me to leave the site up and running so that she can make her imminent return to blogging.

So that’s where things stand, with my Extra-Long-Hiatus-That-Could-Be-More-Like-Retirement-But-Who-Really-Knows? It’s been a privilege meeting and bantering with you all.

Love,
FatGrrl

Fat Friday - Guns

I think I would like to hire this woman as my bodyguard. I wish I felt as strong as she looks. Find more sculptures and paintings of large women by Jed Dougherty here.

Stongwoman by J. Dougherty

Trudging On

I’m really not so good at the waiting game. When there is a crisis I want to know what to do RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW. So sitting on my hands and waiting for the immigration attorney to formulate the game plan is kind of killing me. My Canadian is in a similar funk. But where mine is more anxiety and restlessness, his tends more to the depressive sort that involves a lot of self-pity and wallowing and “I’m gonna go eat worms” hysterics. As you can imagine, listening to it does little else but increase my anxiety and restlessness. This is a bad combination.

I totally know what PhD Smiley would say right now: what about trying some deep breathing?

How about trying to remove my molars with a potato peeler? That seems like it would do about as much good! I feel like an ass for thinking that, but that’s how it is right now.

What about you? What do you do in a crisis? Are you calm and measured, or psychologically catastrophic?

Watching: Lost - Season 5
Reading: “City of Glass” by Cassandra Clare
Playing: Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time (SO beautiful….)

Lost in Canadia-Land

My Canadian tried to re-enter the country today and return to me after a month-long absence. He got turned back at the border. It feels like someone hit me with a sledgehammer. Once again, I have no idea when I will see him.

Thanks a lot, Universe. That kick to the gut was just what I needed. Thanks.

Fat Friday - BOO!

Can’t have Halloween without a big dose of fat - am I right? Huh? Right?!?! Have a great Halloween/Samhain, folks. And for trick-or-treaters out there, remember to brush and floss!
(Via BestWeekEver)

Fat Friday - Toyko Rose

Stumbled across a great Flickr pool by Jasper Gregory. He calls it “Feminine Bodies” and it features “women embracing their curves.” I like that he spends so much time looking at various subculture fashion. Here are a few of my favs:

Tidbits

Today marks the 4th anniversary of my first post at FatGrrl.com. (Golf claps.)

I actually do want to spend a little time looking back over the past 4 years and write more about this experience, but that is going to have to come this weekend. I’m taking the GRE tomorrow and this week has just been, well, shitty. From beginning to end.

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for me and look for more in the way of anniversary musings later this week.

Watching: A parade of math formulas and vocabulary words dance before my eyes.
Listening: To the sound of my head hitting a brick wall.
Playing: With the minds of some of my more useless tenants.

***UPDATE***

Just got back from the GRE and the verbal and math scores are in (I’ll have to wait a while for the analytical writing to be assessed). Anyway, drumroll please….

Verbal: 620/800
Math: 670/800

Not so bad, I guess. The last time I took I got just the opposite…a stronger verbal score. And Ellie will twitch when I say this, but there was not nearly enough algebra on that test. I love algebra.

Big Fat Satire

Sometimes I just wanna tuck Colbert’s head under my arm and give him some big fat noogies.

The Descent

Tuesday’s Group was another great session with Eating in the Light of the Moon by Anita Johnston. We went over Chapter 15, The Descent: Meeting the Shadow. Johnston describes the descent as the point a woman reaches when “she realizes that complete recovery requires a willingness to descend deep into the depths of her being, to confront all those aspects of herself that she would just as soon leave hidden in the dark.”

The story that goes along with this chapter is so lovely that I want to share it with you:

In an ancient Sumerian myth, Inanna, the Queen of Heaven and Earth, decided it was time for her to replenish her powers since she was feeling them waning. She knew that in order to do this, she needed to descend into the underworld. Her people pleaded with her not to do this for the underworld was ruled by Inanna’s vicious sister, Ereshkigal, Queen of the Great Below. It was a very dangerous place and many of those who journeyed there never returned. Inanna insisted, however, and so her closest assistant devised a plan to send help in the event that Inanna did not return in three days.

Even though Inanna was the Queen of Heaven, Ereshkigal insisted that she enter the underworld the way everyone else had to: by passing through seven gates. At each gateway she had to remove a piece of her magnificent regalia and be judged by the gatekeepers. She arrived in the kingdom of the Great Below, naked and judged by the seven gatekeepers. Ereshkigal, true to form, killed her and hung her body on a peg.

After three days had passed without Inanna’s return, her assistant set in motion a plan to rescue her. When Inanna’s parents refused to interfere with the ways of the underworld, Inanna’s assistant sought help from Enki, the god of waters and wisdom. Enki sent two little creatures, neither male nor female, both endowed with the gift of empathy, to rescue Inanna. The creatures were able to slip through the gates unnoticed, carrying the food and water of life.

When they encountered Ereshkigal, they found her mourning the recent death of her husband. The two creatures sat with her in her grief. Ereshkigal was so touched by the empathy they offered and was so grateful for it (since no one before had ever approached her with compassion), that she granted them their request for Inanna’s body. They took her body and revived her with the food and water of life and Inanna to her kingdom with her powers fully restored.

I really like this story quite a bit. The idea that in each of us, there is this underworld where we hide our shame and embarrassment and guilt; feelings of worthlessness and abandonment. I like the idea that traveling to that place and seeing and caring for that injured shadow self can, in the end, be the very key to my own….well, salvation.

Leaving the Group, our therapist moderator reminded us that the descent isn’t something beyond our reach; that, in fact, we’re IN IT right now. Being in that room, being in recovery, means being in the descent.

I, for one, can’t wait for the ascension.