Scenes from Texas

*while driving and miraculously not killing us, because I am a shit driver, apparently.*

Ellie:  *bouncing head to music*  Ooooo, I like this song.

Morgan: *gives sideye* Who is it?

E: Kelly Clarkson

M: *nothing but the sound of her inner, tattooed goth screaming in pain*

E: Shut up, you.  I like it.

_____

*During round 27 of the Aunt Morgan/Vampire the Five Year Old spiderman v. dinosaur deathmatch*

Vampire: Raaaaaarrrrrrrrrr!

Ellie: Honey, can mommy play with Aunt Morgan for a little while, please?

Vampire: Okay, mommy. *hands me the dinosaur*

*Morgan and Ellie fall out laughing*

_____

My kids LURVED and big giant cartoon hearted Auntie Morgan.  Not only did she come with toys, she came with big heaping buckets of patience and some actual brain cells, neither of which mommy has any more.

My dogs, however became divided into adorwable smooshy who’s-a-cute-widdle-puppy (the new Chihuahua puppy who is pretty damn kyoot) and The Asshole, who got banished to Dog Jail, otherwise known as his crate, because he has no manners at all and apparently only likes us for some weird reason.   Morgan was kind of taken aback at walkies time, because it is sort of like walking a rat on a leash.  They’re pretty damn small compared to Kiba-chan, who I believe is the size of a small elegant pony.  I like my little rat dogs, though.

More later.  Off to save a toddler from certain dooooom.

~Ellie

Mr. Ellie may possibly be psychic.

So it’s almost That Wonderful Time Of The Month, and last night while Mr Ellie was at work, I was fiendishly scouring my house for something of the chocolate persuasion.  I would have mugged someone for a hershey bar, I think.  I was looking through my house for something even vaguely sweet and I was coming up empty.  I had cake mix, but it was 10pm and I wasn’t about to break out my cake-fu for one slice.

Mr Ellie not only comes home with a box of Turtles (my favorite), he remembered to get the kids’ teachers a V-day present!  Because I’m completely lame and my children have eaten my brain, I think that I was more pleased that he remembered the teachers’ present.  Awwwww.

Good job, Mr Ellie.  You’ll get your Steak and BJ day (vaguely NSFW.  Not too bad, but not G-rated) this year. (March 17th.)

~Ellie

Happy Mother’s Day, FatGrrls!

I know that a lot of our readers don’t have kids, but Happy Mother’s Day to my breeders! Have a picture of a fat baby. This is a fat-positive site, after all.

~Ellie
ETA: Moms of little people that bark, meow and chirp are included, too! *smooch to Morgan!*

FatGrrl Reviews: Maybelline Mineral Power

Dear Makeup Powers That Be: Please send me free stuff and I’ll yap all about it. I’m all about free shit. Thank you.

What’s the Point? - Maybelline Mineral Power Foundation is the Maybelline *cough* cheaper *cough* version of Bare Escentuals loose powder foundation. It’s supposed to be non-clogging and cover well. We’ll just see, Maybelline. I have ruddy skin and pores you could put a fruit basket in, so we’ll just see. You have your work cut out for you.

What did I buy? - Since Ghostly isn’t a color they offer, I got the Classic Ivory/Light 2.

How did it work? - Surprisingly well. They give you a little brush that you’re supposed to load with powder, tap off, then rub all over your face in circular motions. I think I used more powder than I was supposed to, because I had to shake more powder into the well at least three times, but I like full coverage (or rather, I like a foundation that hides the hell out of my flaws. No dewy glowing skin for me. I want a flawless porcelain mask, yo. And before you accuse me of Tammy Faye-ing, I can do some fucking makeup, y’all. I can make nineteen pounds of foundation and eyeliner look good.). Even with my oily skin I didn’t get shiny as fast as I do with traditional powder foundation.

What sucks? - It takes a surprisingly long time to put on. Sure, I could have swiped it a few times on my skin, but it wouldn’t have covered as well as I like. For girls with really smooth, clear skin, it’ll take less time, but like I said, I’m ruddy. Also, the powder gets all over your hands and it doesn’t just brush off, it sort of settles into your fingerprints, which I assume is what it does to the skin on your face to make it look good. Also, it’s not the easiest thing in the world to wash off. It’s like it loved my face and never wanted to leave it ever again.

What’s great? - It really does make your skin look nice. It’s also a good base for other makeup, like eyeliner and shadow. I haven’t used it long enough to find out if it makes you break out less than traditional powder foundation.

Final Rating? - 7 out of 10 possible Crocheted Apple Sweaters.

~Ellie

A new FatGrrl Feature!

I’ve been thinking about it, and I think it’s time to have a semi-regular (or at least as often as I can post it) review category on FatGrrl.com. I’ll be reviewing everything from books, to video games, to everyday products. It’ll give me a venue to make an ass of myself trying to be funny, and you’ll get to hear about things you might not have seen yet.

So let’s get started with The First! Ever! FatGrrl! Review! Whee!

It’s My Sims for Wii.

What’s the point? - You use your wii controller to build objects for new residents of your Sims town in order to lure more people to the town to build it back up. You use “essences” to paint your objects so that they match the personality of the people you’re building the items for…for example, Goths use ghosts and eyeballs and whatnot.

Who’s it good for? - It’s a little young for jaded gamers who like shooters or more adult-oriented games. Actually, I found that it would be a really good learning tool for kids, so that they can learn spatial relationships and what things go where. I think that it’s a pretty young game. It’s also kind of girly, so it’s definitely not for the “blow shit up, then use a severed arm to beat someone to death while a zombie chews on your ass” crowd.

What’s awesome about it? - It’s so stinking cute visually that I frequently had to brush sugar and glitter off of the TV. Anyone who likes Japanese cute (like Hello Kitty and Sanrio) will really like this. Also, Sims games are famous for little humor thrown in. For example, the Goths love it when you’re mean to them and little happy faces burst out of them.

What sucks? - All of the f’ing grinding. You have to go get those damn essences to build what the characters ask for by digging, fishing, or growing trees, and it’s massively time-consuming. Sometimes you just want to play the game, but you can’t because you have to go get the damn essences, and you’ll forget where you found them the first time, so you’ll end up doing a lot of pointless wandering around looking for them. Grrr.

Buy or Rent? - If you have youngish kids (I’d say 7+), buy. Otherwise, rent for a few days of Teh Kyoot.

Final Score - 5 out of 10 possible Hello Kitties.

~Ellie

PS: If you have something you’d like for me to review, please let me know! If you think this blows, hush and let me keep my delusions.

Month Three

I’m going to shamelessly steal the monthly letter thing from Dooce, because I think it’s a cute idea.

So you turned three months old today. You’re smiling spontaneously now, and when you smile, your whole face crinkles up and you usually coo in just the sheer joy of babydom at the same time. It’s so adorable that the rare times that you scream for no apparent reason completely disappear and I just sit and enjoy the cooing.

You’re also babbling and having “conversations” where you’ll babble with a look on your face like you’re telling me off, then pause so that I can coo back at you, then you’ll start Ah GAH aaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa GAH GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH-ing at me again. You’re also talking to your baby gym, though. Hmmm.

You can’t laugh yet, but you’re trying. You get a huge smile on your face and say,”Heh. Heh!” whenever the crazy noises I’m making at you crack you up.

You’ve discovered the joy of putting things in your mouth, and if you’re not sucking on your fists, you like to chew on my fingers or suck on my arm. It’s cute, even though I do get covered in baby drool.

You’re still a Stealth Ninja Barfer, and sneak a barf on me when I least expect it, and you do it completely silently, so I’ll be holding you and exclaiming over your utter deliciousness, and I’ll start to wonder why my shirt/hand/arm/leg feels wet all of a sudden. It’s extremely gross. Neither of your brothers barfed unless they were sick, so I was unprepared for having to keep barf cloths handy all of the time. The worst is the Silent Projectile Hurl, where you’ll be cooing and smiling, yack, then go back to being adorable. It’s not too horrible, it just means you go through a LOT of clothes.

I’m just really glad that you’re slowly getting over the fussiness of the first few months and are becoming much more laid back and happy. It would make me so upset to see you pull your little feet up and squeal in pain when you’d have gas so badly you felt like you were going to pop. You still have more tummy issues than your brothers did, but we keep Mylicon handy, and it’s much better than it was.

I do want to apologize to you, though. I feel like such a bad mommy. I didn’t know your carseat handle wasn’t locked when I picked you up and you fell out. I’m so, so, SO sorry. I was going to put you on the bed and change your clothes, which is why you weren’t buckled in, and the handle was already up and I really and truly thought it was locked. It wasn’t very far, about a foot, and you only cried for about two minutes, and you didn’t have a mark on you, but it scared you to death, and I feel horrible about it. Now when you hate me when you’re a teenager, if you’ve read this, you’ll be able to tell me that I dropped you on your head as a baby. I did, and I feel awful about it. I’m so sorry, sweet girl.

Your brothers still kind of see you as this small crying thing that takes up a lot of mommy’s time, but they do love you, and they both get diapers and your bottle and your Binky when you need it. Taylor will look at you and go, “Katie is cute. She’s got tiny toes, and I have big toes.”, and he’s right, you do have tiny delicious toes.

I look forward to next month, and all of the coming months. The baby stage is probably my favorite, with the cooing and the gummy smiles and how you curl your little body into me and pull your knees up into the fetal position when you get sleepy. I don’t even mind having to wake up in the middle of the night to feed you, because most times you reward me with a giant toothless grin, and those big squishy cheeks of yours are impossible to resist.

Love,

Mommy.

Mommy Blogwhoring

Because you guys cannot get enough of my kids (oh, how I wish I had a sarcasm font), here are some recent pictures of our trip to la playa.

Here is Peanut Pants. I still haven’t thought up a better nickname, but note the maribou bow. Yes, she is rocking the peak of baby fashion, thankyouverymuch.

And here she’s thinking: “Oooh. Shiny. Gimme. Let me put it in my mouth. ”

This is Hammy Hammerton III, Mayor of McCheeeeeeeeeeeese.

This is Banshee making his Whee Face. The Whee Face can be found in a lot of his pictures, because he’s, uh, saying “Whee!”.

And these are my boys. Yeah, this right here is why I haven’t sold them for magic beans yet. And don’t think I haven’t been tempted, but then they’re all cute and I have to keep them around a little longer. My husband isn’t That Guy Who Goes Shirtless, by the way. It was a little chilly, so he took off his shirt so that I could wrap it around the baby (which, okay, Awwwwww. Stuff like that gets him laid.)

~Ellie

You know it might be time to dust your fan when…

…you turn it up a level (since it’s always running, just at different speeds) and your four year old goes, “Look, Mommy! The fan is making snow!”

~Ellie

Who doesn’t love a gross story?

El Husband Muy Magnifico comes home from one of his three jobs (love you, honey! Kisses!) and says:

“Hey, honey, I’m Hoooo—OH SWEET FANCY JESUS, WHAT IS THAT SMELL??”

“That would be from your middle son.”

“What are you feeding him? Roadkill?”

“There was something fuzzy in the refrigerator. I fed him that.”

“Oh, ha ha. No, seriously. A living human being can not produce a stench like that, especially not someone three feet tall. Why didn’t you take out the trash?”

“I DID. This is residual funk. I’ve also tried incense and the airwick zombie machine that squirts apple cinnamon whenever it feels like it. I also tried exorcising the stench with holy water, and that didn’t work either. This is beyond my control.”

“Damn. Open a window or something.”

“It’s 30 degrees outside.”

“We’ll put on sweaters, because, damn.”

Motherhood is fucking sexy, y’all.

~Ellie

So cute it may cause cavities.

Don’t tell me you weren’t warned when you have to go to the dentist.

This is our youngest, K, short for “Who’s mommy’s sweet little peanut pants? YOU ARE!” because I really can not control the baby talk around her. It just flies out of my mouth, and worse yet, she really likes it and it prompts much adorable cooing.

Here’s the link, because I’m a freaking idiot and can’t get the stupid thing to embed. Dammit.

~Ellie

UPDATE: Here’s the video.