A More Complete Story

Perhaps you remember a few months ago when a series of brief posts appeared detailing my success in applying to the University of British Columbia? And then they promptly disappeared? Here’s the deal:

I had acquired a new job in the early spring that was a temp position, and quite honestly, a dream come true. Administrative work (I love filing!), a large company (blissful anonymity!), and a short contract so that I could leave Minneapolis at the end of the summer, pack up my Canadian, the dog and the cat, and hit the road for Vancouver. Alas, during a Get To Know You event with a new colleague, she just seemed SO interested in my blogging venture and I am SO interested in spreading the word about Fat, that I told her about my site and gave her my full blessing to read it, only to later realize that my grad school plans had been published but respective supervisors had no idea. Yeah, I had to move fast on that one because my talent for sticking my foot in my mouth seems to know no bounds.

It’s probably just as well that it worked out that way, because the Canadian and I were soon reworking our timeline for the great Minneapolis departure, due in no small part to a totally unpredictable tattooing apprenticeship. (Impulsive creature that I am, I am going to refrain from making any further comments about the apprenticeship itself; see my foot-in-mouth comment above.) Afterall, if the Canadian cannot be gainfully employed in his trade while I’m at grad school, then what is the point of bringing him along to pay my bills? (Kidding! Sort of….)

So here I am, a deferred grad student, waiting for my September 2011 admission. Still working two jobs, and struggling to remain hopeful in the midst of a lot of resentment. I love a sizable paycheck, and mourn the lack of time I have to myself. But I’ve got that itchy writing bug again so perhaps if you haven’t abandoned my entirely, we’ll meet up again as I drop more posts here.

And YES, as a matter of fact, I did make it out to see Twilight: Eclipse. Yummy. And as an added extra bonus, I got a new song by the totally delicious Florence+the Machine. Please enjoy “Heavy In Your Arms”:

Trudging On

I’m really not so good at the waiting game. When there is a crisis I want to know what to do RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW. So sitting on my hands and waiting for the immigration attorney to formulate the game plan is kind of killing me. My Canadian is in a similar funk. But where mine is more anxiety and restlessness, his tends more to the depressive sort that involves a lot of self-pity and wallowing and “I’m gonna go eat worms” hysterics. As you can imagine, listening to it does little else but increase my anxiety and restlessness. This is a bad combination.

I totally know what PhD Smiley would say right now: what about trying some deep breathing?

How about trying to remove my molars with a potato peeler? That seems like it would do about as much good! I feel like an ass for thinking that, but that’s how it is right now.

What about you? What do you do in a crisis? Are you calm and measured, or psychologically catastrophic?

Watching: Lost - Season 5
Reading: “City of Glass” by Cassandra Clare
Playing: Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time (SO beautiful….)

Arctic Tundra

Ellie likes to tease me about living in Minnesota…the frozen north, the Arctic tundra, etc. And it was totally funny. Until a couple of days ago when we got our first dusting of snow. Then it was still kinda of funny: “Ha! Ha! We got some snow! Look at us!” Then it got a lot less funny this morning when it snowed and snowed until just about 30 minutes ago. It just doesn’t seem appropriate to have snow before Halloween. The trees are still green, for goodness’ sake!

Sigh. What are you gonna do?

Answer: Curl up on the couch with the nearest furball, watch blank-blank-blank: Season blank on DVD (I opted for Lost: Season 2), and find something crafty to work on. I chose my ongoing series of Yoshitomo Nara cross stitch projects. Judging by Kiba’s expression today, I guess I have some more work to do:

Please Excuse our Mess

Hey, folks. I’m going to spend this weekend trying to get the google ads up and running on the site. Thanks to everyone for their input and support as I move forward with this. Of course, the top priority will be weeding out the ads that run contrary to the mission of this site, but if you happen to see one of those damn lame diet ads, leave the URL here in the comments and I will get it removed as soon as I can.

Jya!

Reading: The Outlaw Demon Wails by Kim Harrison
Watching: Lost: Season 2
Playing: Katamari Forever for PS3

FatGrrl Reviews: Surrogates

Having never read the graphic novel, I headed in to the theater and got mostly what I expected: action, intrigue, and techno-geekery all centered around some very interesting questions. The story takes place in a future where people, for the most part, conduct their lives in the world through the use of robotic surrogates. Walk the dog, buy the groceries, seduce that cutie at the coffee bar, all from the comfort of a reclining chair and a host of technical screens and mysterious bleeps and blips.

The movie? Honestly, I could take it or leave it. It was a fun way to kill a couple of hours. It’s not as though the underlying message wasn’t clear, but I don’t know if it really succeeded in pushing people to consider the consequences, or just to point and say, “Yeah, he totally screwed up. If I had a surrogate, that totally wouldn’t happen.” There is a central figure to the story, called The Prophet, who speaks out against the surrogate movement as a lie and an abomination to the human race. But I don’t think this film is about humans vs. robots at all. At the center of this story is the question of identity.

I liked the way Surrogates author Robert Venditti put it while speaking of his inspiration for the novel, and how he had seen lives destroyed by those addicted to the internet and their online personalities:

It dawned on me that if you were somehow able to create a persona and send it out into the real world—where it could go to work for you, and run your errands, and so on—then you would never have to go back to being yourself.

If I had the option to adopt another body as my own and send it out in the world, how would I look? How would I act? Would it really be all that different from me now? Oh, gee, look. There’s my eating disorder jumping up and down at the back of the class with an answer to our question. Yes, eating disorder? What’s that you say? If you had a surrogate you would instantly shave off 100 lbs? A new wardrobe full of to-die-for cute pencil skirts and sassy librarian plaids? Would ya? Huh huh?

I am totally seduced by the idea of surrogates as presented in the movie. I am enthralled with the idea of getting to design the body that is seen by the world, because where I’m at right now?, it sure as hell wouldn’t be this one. Even writing that I feel vaguely guilty for being so ready to pass up the body that I was given.  But I also would like to believe that, even with a surrogate, the value of my identity would shine through: my intelligence, my wit, my compassion, my bad-assery. But would it all backfire in the end? Could we effectively remember that the beautiful bombshell in front of us might actually turn out to be a 45-year-old git in a wifebeater stained with spaghettios? Or would it all just prove that in the end we let looks drive our assumptions and it affects our decisions about people?

What do you think? Would you use a surrogate? Would you change your looks? Your personality? Would you lead the life you have now, or try to totally reinvent yourself?

Booze was created for days like this.

I’m a big liar, of course, because my little eating disorder-bedeviled soul has always believed that days like these - days in which you are quite sure someone SOMEWHERE is pulling on your strings and having a fucking good laugh at your expense - were made with dessert in mind. Lots of dessert.

So, can we call it a step in recovery that I thought of a stiff drink before a slice of key lime pie? No, I didn’t think so either.

The day started and I felt completely off balance for no apparent reason whatsoever. That doesn’t often happen. Generally I know e.x.a.c.t.l.y what is bothering. Doesn’t mean I’m going to be a big brave girl and deal with it, but I do know what the IT is to begin with. Not so today, adventurous readers! Today I was driving the Canadian to work, tears running down my face, and my poor husband asking, “Are you SURE you don’t know what’s bothering you?” I was kind of a mess.

But here’s where the Canadian gets big props: he swooped in like a devoted mother hen and took control of things while I was floundering. He told me I was taking the day off from the world, and he stopped the car, put me in the passenger’s seat, and turned us around for home. The plan was to tuck me in to bed with some movies and a bottle of Diet Coke. I started to feel a bit better, just feeling cared for. I can tell you that one of my favorite parts of being married - besides having someone to clean out the catbox because I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than do it - are those days where I’ve just had enough and there is someone there to say, “You need a break. Whatever you’re carrying around right now, let me worry about it for a while and you just rest.”

I was nestled in the passenger’s seat, kind of glowing; we’re two blocks from the video store, and then….steam begins to pour from under the hood of the car, and I cannot open my eyes wide enough so great is the shock. “Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! Now! Now! NOW!”

We caught a ride with the tow truck and hauled my poor baby in to the garage. Kudos to the Canadian for dealing with a woman who is not only temporarily emotionally unhinged, but also completely pissed off because the car had been in for an 80,000 mile tune up just THREE WEEKS BEFORE!

After hearing more than I care to admit about the considerable marital problems of my mechanic, we headed over to the tattoo shop to kill some time while they checked on my car, affectionately know as Beast Jr. And the day just kept getting better:

1. One of the tattooers put too much water in the autoclave and it sounded like a steam engine horn going off periodically. At first I thought it was a damn pressure cooker. Are they cleaning tubes or canning jam in there?

2. One of my terminal charity cases called from an apt. building and wanted to make a deal about rent. The BEGGING! The PLEADING! The SOBBING & SNOTTING! And all I really want to say is, “Would you mind terribly just fucking off for awhile? Thanks ever so much.”

3. Got a hold of my mechanic. Turned out my radiator is full of goo! And in the pause after delivering the news, the only response I could think of is, “Dude, I did NOT put that in there!”

Reading: City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare
Watching: Cities of the Underworld on the History Channel
Playing: Trivial Pursuit for PS3

Tidbits

Today I took one step closer to realizing our relocation to Seattle: I registered to take the GRE. My first step towards applying for the Masters of Library and Information Sciences program at the University of Washington.

I took the GRE once before in 2002, but the deadline has long since passed so I will be enjoying that 4-hour thrill of multiple choice at the end of October. I’m not too worried about it. In fact, 2002 was the first year they replaced the logic section with the essay section and I was in h.e.a.v.e.n. I love me some essays, and you can believe I totally killed that part of the exam. I’m expecting a repeat performance again this year. So I’ll be spending some quality time over the next month memorizing Latin and Greek root words and brushing up on my Calculus.

You know how some decisions, once made, just snap into place? Like the satisfying snap of lego bricks. I love that, and it’s been a long time coming.

Reading: For a Few Demons More by Kim Harrison
Watching: Lost: Season 1
Playing: Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando for PS2
Listening: Lungs by Florence + the Machine (courtesy of Christina the Self-Righteous Drunk)

Weekend Priorities

1. Go see X-Men Origins: Wolverine. (Hugh Jackman…mwrrowwr!)

2. Sew-sew-a-go-go! I’ll be making an appearance as a vendor at 2009 GreyFest so it’s time to make some greyhound coats!

3. Chillaxin’. (I stole that from Ellie.) Most likely chillaxin’ with a favorite game: We Love Katamari.

What are you folks doin’ this weekend?

Three TV Shows I’m Looking Forward to Tonight

1. House
2. Heroes
3. Mystery Diagnosis

It’s my way to relax because I enjoy:

1. Sick People
2. Freaky People
3. Sick People (the more the better)

Like all good diets, I do my best work on the first day.

Today has been an endless succession of apartment showings. One person called to complain about the muddy snow that got tracked in to her apartment, and a maintenance man made a pointed remark about a sidewalk that wasn’t as clear of snow as everyone else’s sidewalk. More than once today I resisted the urge to tell someone to stick it Right. Up. Their. Ass.

And then I would think of the many, many times Ellie has told one of my numerous annoyances to “eat a bowl of dicks” and it’s hard not to smile. (By the way, Ellie, I got your Christmas card, and  your kids are fucking adorable. You should be ashamed of yourself!)

“Scandinavian Sensibilities” is the key phrase around the house these days as Jeff the Canadian and I try to pare down our belongings from Massive Pile of Crap to Minimal Pile of Interesting Crap. One of the first things we did was pull out a set of dishes (service for 8) that I’ve had for six years. Dinner plates, salad plates, soup bowls, cereal bowls, coffee mugs. We thought, Wouldn’t it be more cozy to have a few really interesting pieces for 2 people, then piles of generic white porcelain for 8? And the answer was, yes! We’ve been hitting up the estate sales lately in the richie-rich suburbs of Minneapolis and I’ve found some really lovely things. It’s like a daily warm-fuzzy reaching in to my cabinet and seeing a small set of mismatched, yet charmingly cohesive, dishes.

I like the warm-fuzzies.

Reading: The Host by Stephenie Meyer
Watching: Law & Order, Season 6
Listening: Placebo mix tapes
Doing: Filing paperwork and vanquishing financial goblins.