Lady in the Water

Lady in the Water is an easily dismissable film. M. Night Shyamalan is, no doubt, going to take a lot of shit for this film.

1. People expect the mystery and the big t.w.i.s.t when going to an M. Night Shyamalan film. (Just for fun, let’s call him MNS, just like all the devotees over at the IMDB.) But with this film you are led along by your nose through scene after scene of simple, straight forward dialogue.

2. Who could possibly keep track of this fairytale? We go back again and again to the Korean momma to get pieces of the bedtime story, but the more you learn, the more impossible it becomes to keep the ‘narfs’ separate from the ’scrunts’ from the ‘madame narfs’ and the ‘rogue scrunts’ and the justice-hander-outers that I can’t even remember what their name is. We’ll just call them the Smack Down Monkeys. Oh, and don’t forget about those healers, interpreters, guardians, and the Guild.

3. Okay, I’m no linguist, but I’m pretty sure that the words ‘narf’ and ’scrunt’ have no place in the Korean language. No place at all. It’s embarrassing to say them out loud - no language would claim them - as these words sound like bodily functions you only share in the private living space with your significant other. ‘Be right back, honey. I have to go narf.’

4. MNS creates quite a cast of quirky characters - right down to Reggie, a dude that is working out only one side of his body - but even in a fairytale, who would swallow that garbage about narfs and scrunts after one conversation with a stuttering superintendent? After just one conversation, they are ready to dive headlong into their destiny to protect the beautiful and innocent narf? Seems like a lot of bullshit, doesn’t it?

But I think that here in these points lies MNS’s evil genius. I think he did it on purpose.

1. This film is full of self-referential satire. MNS is constantly drawing our attention to the fact that we are watching a movie. He is miles away from The Sixth Sense where the writing and atmosphere ensures that you are totally immersed in the story. The crappy dialogue, the cheap plot devices - and particularly the snobby film critic who explicitly talks about plot devices - all draw your attention to the fact that you are watching a Hollywood movie.

2. MNS uses the fairytale format as a way to give us a story that is full of holes, confusion, and ‘what the fuck?’ moments. Fairytales are like campfire stories, derived from the oral tradition of storytelling, and meant to be enjoyed on the spot. You suspend disbelief to be in the moment. Otherwise, who could possibly get into this b.s. about narfs and scrunts. (I’m embarrassed just typing those words, by the way.)

3. The morals of the story are laid out like a bad afterschool special. (I guess writing that implies that there were some ‘good’ afterschool specials. I’ll let the readers decide.) All living things are connected. Each person has a purpose on this earth. Sappy, sappy. Blah blah blah. But MNS plays it to the hilt. On their own, these characters are ridiculous anti-heroes, but within the context of this crazy fairytale they take on a mythic heroism. So much so that by the end of the film, you are wondering what your purpose on this earth is, and when you will be called upon to aid in the escape of a sea nymph back to her water world from a deadly dog-like thing that hides in the grass. You know you wanna say it: Scrunt!

What MNS has done here reminds me a lot of Jane Austen’s novel, Northanger Abbey. Most Austen devotees I’ve talked to will say this novel is their least favorite, but I see MNS using a lot of the devices that Austen used way back when. Northanger Abbey sets itself up as a big joke - a satire on the classic gothic romance novel of the age with it’s overblown, emotionally overwrought characters, and over-the-top plot devices. Check out this conversation between two of the main characters as they prepare to spend a night in the haunted abbey.

Genius!

Truer Words…

Street art found in Uptown Minneapolis. Discuss.

Weight Loss Wanker of the Week

Found in the Teen Central section of the new Minneapolis Central Public Library downtown: Dr. Susan’s Girls-Only Weight Loss Guide - The Fun, Easy Way to look and feel good.

The first moment I saw this book, it set my teeth on edge. Exactly what we need! - another book to tell young women that fat is not OK. That feeling good is nice, for sure, but don’t forget that looking good is just as important. However, this book has levels of insidiousness that go beyond just the fat-hating title.

Looking for more information over at amazon.com, I found a review of the book that sings Dr. Susan’s praises for using an advisory group of teen girls to help with the book, and including many quizzes to gauge a girl’s self-esteem and promote healthy body image, and for helping young women learn about nutrition, exercise, eating disorders, and how to take control. (CONTROL! Because remember girls, being fat means being out of control. And we just can’t have that.) Another line that kept sticking in reviews was how Dr. Susan explains that diets don’t work - only permanent lifestyle changes will help a girl be healthy. Mixed messages, anyone?

At best, this book is a bad mix of valid information and fat-hating propaganda. Just check out these user comments:

“Dr. Bartell is a friend to overweight girls everywhere.” ?��Ǩ���Voice of Youth Advocates (VOYA)

Paula G: “As the mother of a 15 year old ninth grader, I was relieved that my daughter embraced Dr. Susan’s Weight Loss Guide. Of course, I would like to say that my daughter devoured this book, and then stopped devouring everything in sight. It hasn’t been quite that easy….”

Susan L: “Read this book and stop eating your feelings. Buy this book and you and your daughter will be fully satisfied!”

Positively fat hating.

Don’t get me wrong, fat fashion has come a l.o.n.g. way from the days of house dresses and mumus. My tomboy days in high school were less inspired by my need to hang with the guys (though it was mostly boys on the debate team and in advanced math classes - go figure!) and more by the fact that retail stores seemed to think that 6 ft tall fat girls didn’t exist in high schools. That kinda of thing just didn’t happen there, not in a nice family community like Coeur d’Alene. So I had a choice: dress my age out of the guys department, or visit the only plus-size clothiers available to women - places frequented by 50-year-old golfing grandmas and your great aunt Nessie.

Yes, with the Lane Bryant’s and Torrid’s of the world, there is more opportunity for girls to be girls - that is, wear any style they want! - instead of being consigned to a barely tolerable selection of shapeless bags. But not everything is fat and happy and sassy. There are points that need addressing.

1. Plus Size Mannequins - Y’all market clothes to the sizes 14-32 demographic, but you’re only using size 14 mannequins! What gives? Show me a size 22! No garment hanging on a size 14 is going to look the same on me, so give us some variety in mannequins. And stop pinning the extra fabric at the back of the mannequin to create a tailored look when you know damn good and well that your garments are cut to flatter those who don’t necessarily have a defined waistline. This means YOU, Lane Bryant. Torrid, you get bonus points in this category because you feature really cute and sassy fat girl models, and you don’t air brush to ridiculous lengths (I’ve seen rolls on your girls - just check out the tummy in the blue dress) - thank you!

2. Aisle Width - Now, you may not have noticed, but we fat girls are bigger than your bony-arsed juniors customers. So why, why, why would you have the same aisle width in your plus size department? And actually, 15 inches between clothing racks can’t be all that comfortable for anyone, even by bony-arsed standards. By making it virtually impossible to navigate your merchandise, you make us less inclined to visit your store. The merch may be cute, but we can’t buy it if we can’t get to it. I’m totally talking about you, Deb’s Plus and Rainbow, you dirty rotten whores.

Keep these things in mind, fat girl fashionistas, ’cause I’d like to see fat fashion with just a little bit less of the fat hating.

I’m only happy when it rains.

Woke up this morning to a magnificently dreary day. The sky was all clouded over - thick, dark clouds - and threatening rain. I took Kiba out for her walk and I was absolutely loving the cool air and the smell of a coming storm. I spent my time before work relaxing on the couch, enjoying the moody light that filtered through the apartment instead of the persistently sunny glow we’ve been having lately. And then it poured down rain on my walk into work.

Hallelujah.

I strode through the office doors, pants totally soaked up to the knee, and when I was asked, sarcastically, if I was enjoying the weather, I said: “Yes. Yes I am.” Here’s a peek at the world from under my umbrella:

I miss the Northwest and it’s lovely, drizzly days, but there are few things that can compete with a proper Midwestern thunderstorm. The occasional downpour just feels good, dammit.

Kiba the Drunkard

After throwing back one too many at the local watering hole, Kiba stumbles home to collapse on the couch, crushing Eeyore under the weight of her stupor.

In fact, I think she’s only missing a little beer belly, a grungy pair of tightie whities, and a bottle of tequila tucked under her little paw.

WLS - Whoa, Lousy Side-Effects

There is an interesting conversation about Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) going on over at Fatty McBlog about a recent post between the two bloggers, Emily and Lindsey, one of them considering WLS and the other laying out the pro’s and con’s.

The comments make it very interesting as there are views from both the pro- and anti-WLS sectors. I fall in to the anti- category. I really think that WLS is a dangerous form of self-mutilation peddled to folks by a thin-obsessed culture as a way to ’save their health.’ I worry for the folks that feel it is the only option left for them. Hacking open your abdominal cavity and fucking around with your innards is a dangerous business, people.

What pisses me off most in the comments is the number of people who have undergone WLS talking about how it’s not ‘the easy way out’ and it takes work and dedication and control after you’ve had the surgery to make it a success. Granted, surgery is never ‘easy’, but why the emphasis on all that work afterwards? To emphasize how little work they were doing before? One person claimed that they had to ‘work their ass off with diet and exercise’ after the surgery. Um…why wouldn’t you work your ass off to eat well and exercise when you were fat? Answer: You were scared that it would work - you would be healthy but stay fat, and the fat part is really what’s bothering you, isn’t it? Don’t sell me bullshit about your health when vanity is such a large component of your decision and you’re unwilling to address that.

Got something to say about WLS? Comment, baby!

Big Fat Bunny

I was in a meeting yesterday and we were talking about new artist designs for a t-shirt. Questions came up about some existing t-shirts, and how many we have left. One person responded: “Oh, we only have the really big ones left. XL.” This person illustrated what a ‘really big’ t-shirt is by holding her hands out to rougly 3 times her body size - to a size that might have been closer to a size 22. Nice. Another person commented: “Is it the design with the bunny? We could sell them as the Big Fat Bunny shirts!”

Okay, stop the boat. Not funny. Since I have never been able to wear the XL t-shirts at my institution (inexplicably, there is a very high ratio of bony-arsed staff to fat staff), I had to wonder what this meant for me? That I go even beyond the Big Fat Bunny? That I, in fact, could only wear the Impossibly Huge Obese Bunny?

Bullshit. At the moment, I think I’d rather wear the Pissed Off Fat Bunny.

How the other half lives.

Japanese TV is a singular experience not to be missed. I can spend a lot of time trash-talking US TV (and why not? Afterall, we have produced a momument to waste and stupidity: call it ‘reality TV’). But Japanese TV is another kind of beast all together. Funnier. Stranger. Fulfilling in the way that watching Faith the Wonder Bipedal Dog can be.

Would you like to do dance aerobics while learning handy English phrases for fighting with your significant other? No problem!

Would you like to watch three cats compete to see who can carry off the heaviest fish? (Complete with enthusiastically delivered sports commentary and profiles of our three heavyweight neko (cats)). You got it!

Or maybe you’re looking for a little more action? May I recommend some Matrix-style ping-pong combat? Click it, baby!

Mamichan and Isaac - arigatou gozaimasu!

Do you catch my Tokyo Drift?

Sunday, July 2:

Abby (awesome friend and only other girl in the computer science department when we were in college together): Hey, whatcha doin’?

Morgan: Slogging through backlogged apartment building paperwork. What are you doing?

Abby: Just leaving Ames [Iowa]. Finished up some training for work. Do you have plans for dinner?

Morgan: No. Why?

Abby: ‘Cause I’m coming up to Minneapolis right now!

Morgan: Fucking sweet!

Abby is such a rockin’ girl. With a quirky and ever-present sense of humor, she makes sure I never take myself too seriously. She accepts me as a film snob, but knows enough to overlook those moments of weakness when I seem to be drawn to ridiculously bad vampire films, or any film that has a Japanese reference in the title. Yeah, I’m totally talking about The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Abby is the only person I love to invite along when I have to indulge myself with a really bad film. But, hello, it’s set in JAPAN! And though it’s been going on for decades, I had no idea what drift racing was and wanted to see more.

The acting was just as bad as you can imagine, and the casting of Japanese actors was pretty disappointing. But the racing sequences were awesome, and the highlights of Japanese culture were fun. I even understood much of the dialogue that wasn’t translated. But the cameo with Vin Diesel totally topped the film. I loved it! Earlier in the day I had written a note to Abby that I planned to hide in her luggage. I wrote that it was great to have her visit - just too bad that Vin Diesel couldn’t join us. And then he showed up in the film!!!

Monday was filled with shopping. I introduced Abby to IKEA where we planned and designed the retirement home we would share when we become spinster millionaires at age 30, and then we searched for the Godiva store at the Mall of America before heading back to my place to enjoy truffles and a few rounds of MarioKart.

Abby! I miss you!