Guts

Beth Ditto has guts. She has a gut, but she also has GUTS. And that’s why I love her. While I’m not particularly drawn to the band she fronts, The Gossip, (okay, that song “Listen Up” is pretty fuckin’ cool) I am totally about her fierce and up-front way of dealing with fat, size, and grrl-power. But Beth has taken it one step further: not only has she been chosen for the cover of the recent issue of Britain’s music weekly magazine NME , but she is also buck naked. With rolls. And chubby arms. Hairy armpits. (!!!) And a look that is equal parts sultry and “Fuck with me and I will tear you limb from limb.”

I grabbed this image from Perez Hilton’s site, and the adoration is obvious in the way he scrawled “Lick” along her thigh. Hot. She is my total opposite: a woman who doesn’t apologize for her size, and someone who enjoys the look of her body. In public. My mousey, self-conscious persona is totally withering at the thought of exposing every lump and bump on my body, but her look says: “Just try it, motherfucker. Just try to make me feel ashamed.”

And to all you lurkers doing your Google searches for fat and fat girls, here is an image of the devastatingly gorgeous Beth Ditto for your collections, sans text.

Found taped to the front door of my building.

To: Apt. 209

Please put some curtains on your windows.

**************************************

Ah, hahahahahhaha…… This made my morning.

I totally called this one.

So, I met with my therapist yesterday (ugh, the entire past week seemed to stretch in to one long Hamster Attack) and we went through the official diagnosis portion of the process.

*drum roll, please*

Eating Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (ED-NOS) with a bent towards Binge Eating Disorder, and depression and anxiety components.

I totally called this one. =^_^=

Fat Friday - Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

May you have plenty of sunshine and picnics.

Hamster Attack

Hamster Attack
Pronunciation: ‘ham(p)-st&r &-’tak
Function: Noun

Definition: An anxiety attack centered around obsessive thoughts about food, size, weight, and related issues. Most often seen in those living with disordered eating patterns and diagnosed clinical eating disorders. Attacks are characterized by wandering around grocery stores endlessly but unable to buy and consume any food because of conflicting, obsessive thought patterns. Aggravated attacks will often end in tearful bouts of bingeing.

Derivation: Taken from the common practice of hamsters running in exercise wheels; this image being similar to the self-perpetuating thought cycle often associated with disordered eating.

Hamster Attacks are the worst. When my brain starts on a Hamster Attack it seems like food is the only thing that will stop the spinning, but food is also what I view to be the cause of so many problems. Eating makes me feel better (coping mechanism), but eating is also what makes me fat (and consequently, gross, ugly, ashamed, etc.) A Hamster Attack is totally draining. It goes something like this:

[Starts @ Home]

Okay, my food plan say I can have a snack now. I can have a handful of cherries.
I don’t want a handful of cherries. I want something else.
I want to eat. I don’t want cherries. What can I have?
I don’t want what’s in the fridge.
I don’t want what’s in the pantry.
I don’t know what I want.
I want to eat.
I want something desserty.
What do I want?
Maybe I could go to the corner store and find something.
No, I shouldn’t go out and buy food.
If I go eat something else I’ll have to write down what I ate.
My therapist will see that I was eating bad things.
I don’t want her to see I was eating bad things.
Dammit! This isn’t fair! It’s not like I want cocaine!
I don’t care. I want something.

[Keeps going @ Grocery Store #1]

What can I have?
Ooh, a donut could be good. I want one donut.
What kind of donut?
Maybe two donuts.
I’ll get those donuts.
Wait! I know that person who just walked by! She works in my building!
Can’t stay here.
Can’t buy donuts here.
I don’t want her to see me buy food.
She’ll know that I’m buying bad food.
Can’t stay here.

[...And keeps going @ Grocery Store #2]

I want something. I want something. I want something.
Why is that guy just standing in front of the donuts?
Grrrr….
I want one, but I’d rather die than ask him to move.
He’ll think I’m a gross disgusting pig.
Maybe there’s something at the deli I can have.
Maybe that. Or that. Or maybe that.
No, I should just get in the car and go home.
Go home, Morgan.
You can take Kiba out for a walk, then cuddle up in bed and read a book.
Go home!
No! I want something!
I don’t care if my therapist sees what I ate.
Yes, I do. I care. I care.
FUCK!

Okay, I think you get the idea. I once outlined this thought pattern for my therapist and she replied that it sounds exhausting, and she was surprised that I got anything done during the day. Hey, I’m surprised, too! But I do manage to function during the day and work two jobs, and take care of Kiba, so just imagine what I might be able to do if I didn’t have this ongoing dialog forever running in the back of mind. I would be fluent in Japanese by now, that’s for damn sure.

What’s frustrating for me right now is that it is still early in the recovery process. I understand that food has a lot of different roles in my life, and addressing that will mean addressing the underlying issues that created my food-mental connection in the first place. But what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Am I supposed to try to break the past eating behaviors without any other coping mechanism in place? Should I just try to be more aware of the way I’m using food, as I work closer to a resolution of these issues? Part of me thinks it’s really unfair that I can’t have the food, but I have nothing to put in its place. Part of me feels like I’m walking around as one big exposed bundle of nerves, hyper-sensitive to everything that comes my way.

I gotta say, this kinda sucks.

Dirt Boogers

Remember ages ago when the Good Twin Property Manager gave me the OK to change the gross workshop in my apartment building into a sparkly and wonderful FatGrrl art studio? Remember the before picture?

Wednesday night (at long fucking last!) I put a solid dent in the disaster that is my soon-to-be studio. Giselle and I tackled the dirt, unidentifiables, and huge surplus of plumbing supplies for three hours. There was much vacuuming, hauling out of trash, consolidating of workshop supplies, several “Whoa’s” and more than one “Ewwww.” We moved a huge piece of IKEA shelving (abandoned by a former resident that had to travel light) from a second floor apartment in the building NEXT DOOR down a very narrow staircase, across a parking lot, and then into my basement studio. Phew! Three hours later we had:

Please note that the floor, contrary to initial observations, is in fact more of a concrete-y gray color and not sawdust brown! I was amazed. Giselle had some great suggestions for decoration and design. A trip to IKEA will be a must, and she thought floor stenciling would be way cool. Something like so:

At the end of the night as I was getting ready for bed - brush the teeth, take out the contacts - I had to blow my nose, and the kleenex was black with dirt when I finished. Ewwww.

Fat Friday - ALIVE!

My favorite part is (if you haven’t guessed) the assurance that she is indeed ALIVE - a living, breathing 826lb woman! In opposition to everything that is good and moral in this world, this woman is FAT and ALIVE! Horrors…

Houndabout

Awesome origami greyhound from French artist Eric Joisel:

Also check out his other critter creations!

Fat Friday - Red Hot

(Fat) Ladies’ Night!

Damned if you diet. Damned if you don’t.

Yesterday the New York Times published an excerpt from Gina Kolata’s new book, Rethinking Thin: The New Science of Weight Loss - and the Myths and Realities of Dieting. The excerpt centered on the research of Dr. Jules Hirsch, a researcher at Rockefeller University, and various studies he has headed up to study the nature of fat, thin, metabolism, and the body’s mechanisms for waiting weight.

Long story short, the research (dating back from the late 1950’s) shows that fat folks who lose extreme amounts of weight almost always regain it unless they maintain themselves in a state of starvation to stay thin; essentially, their bodies appear thin but their bodies don’t function thin (metabolism, etc). Similarly, thin folks that set out gain large amounts of weight can do it, but then they have to continue to consume excessive amounts of calories just to maintain the excess weight. Once that maintenance stops, they quickly return to their prior weight. All of this boils down to the idea that individual bodies operate in a preferred range - of which genetics is a big influence - and bodies will fight hard to stay within that range.

Having yet to read the entire book, I can only comment on the published excerpt. It’s interesting to see that there is something out there to contrast the “business of obesity science”. Without dismissing the benefits of a healthy diet and exercise, the excerpt reminds people that fat is a complicated issue with many factors. It’s time to get rid of the overly-simplistic notion that weight control is a simple matter of burning more calories than you consume. It’s easy to imagine how someone’s life can become quickly overwhelmed by the pressures to remain thin, requiring an obsessive level of energy and commitment towards maintaining one’s body is a constant state of physical and psychological starvation. From my own battling with eating and obsessive thoughts, I can tell you that’s it’s absolutely fucking exhausting.

Despite the positives in this article, I’m finding it hard to whip up any enthusiasm. In fact, I think that things will largely remain unchanged.

1. Those Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig execs still need to make a living, and we already know they have no problem doing it at the expense of another’s peace of mind. It simply wouldn’t do to go out to their clients and say, “Hey, you’re going to lose that 20 pounds, but there’s a 95% chance you’ll gain it back. Sorry, but nothing short of starvation is going to make you anything but a fatty.”

2. The current fat vs. thin dichotomy makes sure that one side gets to enjoy a level of superiority, and the thin are not going to surrender that feeling of being oh-so-special any time soon. Predictably, the book has drawn criticism from thin (read: strong, motivated, capable, worthy) readers, citing that the book is just one more excuse for fat (read: weak-willed, lazy, unworthy) readers to not get off their asses and adopt a more healthy lifestyle.

This book should be kept far away from the non-fiction section. It is completely ridiculous how many people will go out of their way to blame everything for their fat besides themselves. If anyone would take just one day to research calorie content in different foods and how many calories are burned in certain activities they would understand why so many people are obese. Genetics play a part in your body structure and how much fat you can store, but your genetic makeup does not determine how fat you are going to be. I know some of your morbidly obese people think that the DIET COKE will cancel out the double quarter pounder and large fries you had for brunch but it won’t. I understand all of this because I made a life change. I was 215 on a 5′9″ frame when I graduated High School. A year later I droped down to 145 lbs. No pills, no drugs, I just ran every other day, substituted my bacon cheeseburger for a green salad with a little bit of FAT FREE dressing (ranch doesn’t cut it). So, for all of you people wanting to blame your fat on your genetics go ahead and read this and I’m sure she can give you some brainwashing points. For everyone else, maybe some people that would like to live a few extra years, find a book that encourages excercise and sensible eating. It’s a lifetime not a fad.

Coby W. Jones, TTU

Such a charmer. I don’t know why I can’t get this through my fat head…I mean, duh!…I’m fat because of my terrible (fat) work ethic, and my wish to not live a few extra years. Huh? And I think it has been several long, long months since I’d heard the good ole “ordering the DIET COKE to cancel out the fast food” line. Tell me, Coby, does TTU happen to be Texas Tech University? A major in P.E., by chance? No, no…how about econ and politics? Then you could be a physically fit and superior owner of a sporting goods franchise AND vote to tax people by the pound. That Texas thing SO doesn’t surprise me about you. Even more evidence that Texas is largely populated by GITS.