I did not fall off the wagon. I was thrown.
I know this is probably my eating disorder showing me a complete catastrophe where this is none, but lately it seems that when things go wrong, they go really, really wrong. And then WHAM! Faster than you can stick a spoon in a jar of peanut butter, my day quickly starts to swirl down the toilet bowl: a mindful breakfast turns in to a Hostess cupcake, which then turns in to four cupcakes, and my best effort at a successful lunch later meets an over-stuffed dinner of fried cream cheese rolls and beef pad thai. Laying on my couch later with an over-stuffed tummy, I go right to a dessert of whip-cream covered guilt. Yum.
I hate these kind of days. Sometimes it feels nigh on impossible to pull out of the nose dive, but I know expecting perfect performance in eating is impossible, too. (Oh, yes. That’s right. I said it. I’m not perfect. So there.) So it seems like a big “Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t” situation. I get that nagging impulse to not fill out my food logs; to hide what I’ve been eating from my acupuncturist and nutritionist, because I don’t want to admit that I haven’t been able to hold it together. I just assume everyone else is judging me, because I am definitely judging me, and HEY!, who doesn’t love a pity party, right?
What do you do, folks? When you see the train coming down the way, what do you do to get yourself off the tracks and avoid the carnage??
PS: I did pack fruits and vegetables in my lunch today. I’m givin’ it another go!
Filed under BEDhead | Comments (16)Fat Friday: The Windmill in My Mind
I suppose if Jim Henson was ever to create a skit that would visualize the crazy ED Hamster spinning its wheel in my brain, it would probably look something like this:
Great find by Christina the Self-Righteous Drunk via DaddyTypes.
Filed under BEDhead, Fat Fridays | Comments (2)Run from the bear! Run from the bear!
Have I mentioned how much I like working with my holistic nutritionist? Because I do. I really do. Let’s call her Dr. NuRT since one of the major techniques she uses in treating folks is Nutritional Response Testing. I have to tell you about this because it kind of boggled my mind.
Nutritional Response Testing uses acupressure points to find out where in your body things are going awry. So I would be either standing or lying down with my right arm extended at about a 30 degree angle. As Dr. NuRt exerted a pressure on a certain acupressure point, she also exerted a pressure on my extended arm that I was supposed to match with a counter pressure. If I had a strong reflex, I would be able to match her pressure on my arm. If there was a weakened reflex, my arm also became noticeably weaker and would wobble under her pressure. It was totally bizarre. Being a bit on the cynical side, I would try to focus everything on my arm and hold it perfectly straight and strong….but it would still wobble!
Dr. NuRT also had bottles of various environmental chemicals and substances that she used to test for sensitivity reflexes. She would place the bottles over my abdomen or heart and test the reflexes. I came out clear on most environmental substances, but my two big reflexes were wheat and sugar. (This isn’t very surprising since my Eating Disorder absolutely goes crazy for grains and desserts.)
Another aspect of the initial consultation was heart monitoring, and measuring tension in my system. When she and I sat down to go over the results, she explained to me that right now my parasympathic nervous system is working on overdrive ALL THE TIME. My resting heart rate lying down is 93 beats/minute, and standing it is 117 beats/minute. (!!!) She said she was worried because my body and brain is constantly in fight/flight mode, saying “Run from the bear! Run from the bear!” and one of our priorities has to be bringing that tension down. This makes sense, too, because the bear just changes form throughout the day:
Run from the eating disorder!
Run from the demanding tenants!
Run from the bills!
Run from US Immigration Paperwork!
Naturally, it freaked me out even more to hear that I was on the verge of a heart attack, which probably did my heart rate no favors at all. *sigh* Run from the heart attack!!
Our conversation about food went very well, and all the anxiety I had felt thinking I would have to make a bazillion changes to my eating overnight (AND do it perfectly, because what the hell else is an eating disordered girl going to do with her time?), kind of went the way of the dodo. We talked about overarching goals (minimizing processed wheat and sugar intake), and little baby steps to take now (more veggies and protein at each meal). I’ve been feeling pretty good about things, and the Canadian has been awesome throughout the process. He says he sees it as a two-for-one deal since we pay for one person’s treatment and he can just eat what I’m eating and we’ll both benefit.
I’m really starting to feel the benefits of acupuncture and nutrition. And what’s more, the better I’m taking care of my body, the more likely I am to treat it respectfully than go at it with my usual dose of hatefulness and venom.
Filed under BEDhead | Comments (8)Tune Ups at the Body Shop
I’ve actually been pretty excited to share some news, and I’m gonna give it a go despite the fact that I am ten different kinds of cranky today.
I gathered your opinions in January about Eastern medicines, listened to your many positive experiences, and then I took the leap! I have been seeing an acupuncturist that friend Mamichan recommended, and I’m really enjoying it so far. I don’t have any miracles to report (yet) but I love the feeling of going and letting someone put me on a table and proceed to give my body a tune up. My whole body. With needles.
There’s something so valuable to me in that time where I feel like I am making myself a priority, something that I don’t get otherwise. And I like the way that the acupuncturist is looking at my whole system rather than just specfic symptoms. Bodies are complex, so it makes sense to me that health is complex, too. I’m fascinated by the idea that my body can tell her things about what’s going on with me - things that my brain wouldn’t know to disclose.
Quick on the heels of the acupuncture debut, I also got in touch with a holistic nutritionist and chiropractor that my hair stylist recommended, and I’m loving that experience, too! I felt like she actually took time to figure out what was going on in my whole system and then created a plan to address with food where things are going awry. I like this approach better than the dietitian approach I’ve used in the past. It feels like it was made for me.
It’s only the beginning, but I’m excited to see where things go. Wish me luck!
Filed under BEDhead | Comments (3)FatGrrl Reviews: My Fitness Coach for Wii
Walking past My Fitness Coach for Wii at one of the many video game shops I frequent, I was immediately suspicious and cast a wary glance at the box (with maybe a dash of animosity). It reminded just too much of its Nintendo DS cousin, My Weight Loss Coach. *insert mega-eyeroll here* But I tried to set judgement aside and looked over the box.
The premise behind My Fitness Coach is having a virtual trainer that will create workouts for you based on the kind of work you want to do (cardio, upper body, lower body, core, flexibility, etc.) and the kind of equipment you have available (balance ball, step block, hand weights, or none at all). This game does not utilize the Wii Balance Board. I was intrigued by the customization built in, as this FatGrrl has long been a friend to exercise modification at the gym. So I decided to do a little research, and I sought out some online reviews from people who had actually gone a couple of rounds with the game. Reviews were generally on the good-to-very good side, and I saw one more feature that I was very interested in: during the workout the virtual trainer will ask you how a segment went and depending on your answer (No sweat! I was working hard. I couldn’t keep up), she will tailor the next program to where you are at.
So I decided to give it a whirl: brought it home, got in to my favorite exercise scrubbies, and prepared to work it out. The first 30 minutes is a lot of measuring and testing and determining current fitness levels. At the end of the assessment, the virtual trainer appeared on screen and said to me, “It looks like you’re a bit over the average weight.” And as I was right in the middle of a big, sweeping arc of my eyes from one side to another, I hear her add, “But weight isn’t the be all end all of fitness.” (!!!!) “SHUT UP!!!” I yelled at the screen in disbelief.
Newly invogorated by this seemingly supportive virtual trainer, I did a 15 minute cardio workout with her and she Kicked.My.Ass. Kicked it! And I kind of loved it. A good cardio workout, a nice shower, a glass of orange juice, and an episode of What Not to Wear. Yes, please!
My only criticism thus far is that when I selected a program to work 15 minutes on, say, my upper body strength, the program began with a 7 minute cardio warm-up. I thought that was more than what was needed to get ready for a good upper body routine. I think the longer programs will have plenty more strength training and much less warm-up, but it was a bummer that half of the 15 minute upper body workout had nothing to do with working the upper body.
I think I would recommend this game to others. I think it will be most beneficial to folks who have experience modifying exercises so that they are getting the benefit without any of the injury that can come along with it. (Jumping jacks? With boobs like mine? No. No way. Forbidden.)
Overall, I give My Fitness Coach for Wii 7 out of 10 ThighMasters.
Filed under Fat(Riot)Grrl, The FatGrrl Review | Comments (7)Public Service Announcement
Last week was National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I had these plans to put together a really heart-warming video for you all, but things got in the way as they often do. And besides, things don’t feel terribly heart-warming these days.
I get a lot of e-mail from folks who write to share their stories (and I’m very thankful that they feel comfortable enough to share those kinds of stories with a perfect stranger; it means a lot to me to get those e-mails). They also tell me that I am brave for writing about my struggles with Binge Eating Disorder so openly and publicly. But I’ll tell you a secret. Most of the time I don’t feel that brave. Much of the time I just feel trapped: trapped in body that feels completely alien to me, and trapped in the day-to-day drudgery that comes with being at the center of a food-fueled nightmare. Coming here to write is a lot like lancing the boil.
Here is what I don’t feel: HOPELESS. I don’t feel hopeless anymore. I did feel hopeless for a very long time, but over the past couple of years at the Emily Program, I’ve seen days, hours, and even stray minutes where I’ve been able to keep the ED monster at bay, so that tells me that I can have more of those days, hours, and stray minutes. It’s really hard to work for those minutes, and there is a lot of backsliding, but I no longer feel like I’m at the point when I believed that NOTHING would fix me. EVER.
So I want to pass along a few of those minutes. Here are a list of places you can call to talk to someone. Even if you don’t like talking to counselors. Even if you’ve never told anyone about how hard you struggle with food and life. Even if the thought of giving up that secret scares the hell out of you. It’s worth it to reach out to just one person who will understand when you say, “Food is ruining my fucking life, and I can’t stand it anymore!”
National Eating Disorders Association: 1.800.931.2237
The Renfrew Center (east coast): 1.800.736.3739
Rader Programs (west coast & midwest): 1.800.841.1515
Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD): 1.847.831.3438
National Eating Disorder Referral and Info Center: 1.858.481.1515
The Emily Program (upper midwest): 1.651.645.5323
Filed under Schnibbles | Comment (0)