The Mike & Juliet Show: Morgan’s Thoughts
Being the kind of girl that needs a little distance from major events in order to get a clear perspective, I’m coming in to the game a bit late - after all your fabulous comments and incisive remarks - to process my experience on The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet.
Initially, I was elated with the invitation to appear in a medium that would raise Binge Eating Disorder awareness to a national platform. I agree whole heartedly with Rachel’s observations about the perceived differences between BED and its better known counterparts, bulimia and anorexia, so I won’t go over that again. I thought this would be an opportunity address that discrepancy. So before I get in to my experiences with it, I’d really like to thank Liz Weaver at FOX News for the opportunity. We need more producers out there willing to address this. Thanks to that clip, I’ve already received e-mails from people suffering with BED who thought they were all alone; who didn’t even have a name to put to the struggle they’ve been dealing with. In that sense: Mission Accomplished.
My time in New York was rather overwhelming. It was my first time in the city, and I felt very much like a small mouse scurrying about Times Square, just trying to stay out of people’s way. Granted, I was a six foot tall mouse, but all the same, it was easy to feel dwarfed by the city. Arriving at the studio on Tuesday, I was shuffled through a quick succession of prep activities: hair, make-up (I think they put a solid inch of lip gloss on me!), meeting the other guests, touring the studio, reviewing the general layout for the segment, getting mic’d etc. Surprisingly, I wasn’t nervous. Long months of treatment, years of writing here, and the incredible powers of the Hello Kitty Support Team readied me for this. So I stood by patiently in the Green Room until the commercial break, at which point several producers came rushing out to shuffle us in to the studio and on to the stage. Passing by one of the TV’s, I saw the commercial primer for the next clip which featured part of the set-up piece for Marie, the woman I was appearing me. It showed her stuffing a fast food sandwich down her throat. Immediately I felt a nasty, nasty ball of angry drop into the pit of my stomach and a quick look at Marie showed her to be stricken, hands over her face. I wondered if this all was going to go horribly wrong.
Out on the stage, I settled in next to Marie and immediately put an arm around her. My anxiety started to rise as the crew set boxes of kleenex discreetly nearby, and I wondered just what we were in for. Then we came back from commercial, and the set-up piece began. I felt so bad for this woman, but I will also admit that in the back of my mind I was asking myself, “Why would she do this? Why would she do this in front of a camera?” Watching it, I resolved again to be as level-headed as possible in my responses. I wasn’t going to give them the drama they were looking for.
And I think I succeeded. Despite being sat next to Dr. Susan Bartell (no wonder her name sounded so familiar when I met her in the Green Room!) and having a few choice phrases I wanted to share with her, I kept things steady, and I think that was important. Even in spite of Mike’s ridiculous lack of sensitivity, I held it together. I felt like I did the best I could in the moment to communicate my views and my story. Looking back on it, I have just one clarification I would like to make.
I was asked if I thought BED was preventable. I responded:
It’s not preventable. It’s something that is very complicated and develops over time.
At the time, I interpreted the question to mean that there was some behavior - some giveaway - which could be used to spot an eating disorder in the making, and nothing more than a well-time slap on the wrist would put a stop to that foolishness immediately. Obviously we know that’s not the case, but does that mean eating disorders are not preventable? I don’t think so. I think that if we lived in a culture where women’s bodies were respected and cared for and revered, then eating disorders would absolutely be preventable.
I left New York dizzy, and was grateful for the chance to snooze on the plane and let my nerves de-fizzle a bit. My head was also spinning from all the great feedback that started pouring in in response to the clip. Ellie and Christina and CCG went above and beyond the call of duty, lavishing me with praise about being so articulate and amazing. As you know, Ellie even when so far as to beg a perfect stranger to record the clip for YouTube. So when I arrived home in Minneapolis on Tuesday afternoon, the clip was waiting for me. I watched it once out of a desire to relish my first television appearance, and then I started reading comments from the Fatosphere to see what kinds of critical thinking was going on out there. I went back and watched the clip again a few hours later just to relive it.
Big mistake.
I had a Complete and Total Body Image Breakdown. 9.0 on the Richter Scale. An F5 ED tornado swept through my brain. You get the idea. I was nothing less than HORRIFIED by the way I looked. I just started sobbing right there at my laptop. I thought I looked absolutely disgusting-huge by comparison to everyone else on the stage; a perfect example of what happens to a huge, grossly fat girl that keeps stuffing her face. It was crippling. Even as I told myself that it was ED saying these things; even as I tried to reconcile all the great and generous compliments I’d received about looking wonderful; even as I desperately tried to rationalize the distortion - that it wasn’t real. It didn’t matter. Once again, I was back in that place and convinced that I was the ugliest girl walking the planet. It was horrible.
Nothing had improved overnight, so I headed off to appointments with my dietitian and individual therapist where I proceeded to go through nearly an entire box of kleenex. I couldn’t move out from under all the shame, and guilt, and embarrassment I had piled on to my shoulders, so I just sat there and cried. But more than that, I was disappointed with myself that I hadn’t gotten past this yet; that something like that show could send me in to such a tailspin. PhD Smiley did an amazing job of gently challenging me to remember all the evidence I have that I’m not an ugly girl, and that the compliments I received were genuine and valid. It was so hard to believe any of it, but I managed to walk out of that office on my own legs with a massive headache and amazingly clear sinuses (Why, WHY?, does the crying have to come with all the snotting? Why?). I decided to make myself the #1 priority and I went straight home to bed and slept for 4 hours. I woke up with clearer thoughts and a desperate need for many hugs.
Things slowly improved over the night. I had a long talk with CCG - I owed him an apology anyway, because I bailed on him with no explanation in IM when I hit Body Image Rock Bottom - and I started to be okay again. I managed to come out the other side in one piece, only a little worse for wear.
But you want to know the best part? (And I can really only call it the “best” part now that it’s behind me.) The best part is, I didn’t binge during this crisis. In fact, I didn’t even overeat. For the first time in a crisis, I really managed to eat prescriptively and not let the food have a role. It’s tremendous. And while I’m not looking forward to more crises, I am certainly looking forward to navigating them without the food crutch.
Filed under BEDhead |42 Responses to “The Mike & Juliet Show: Morgan’s Thoughts”
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*hugs*
Thanks, Jen. =^_^=
I think that it’s awesome that you were able to stave off the ED, even during a huge body low point. You are doing such a kick-ass job.
It makes me want to hug you until you turn three shades of purple that you felt that way, though.
Lovies, you.
*hug*
Congratulations! You have just proven to YOURSELF that you can overcome that evil thing that has a hold of you in the worst crisis. Just keep that in your mind for when the next crisis hits.
And if you ever need hugs…I am sure there are plenty of people to give them to you!
*hugs*
IMHO, you looked much more professional and credible than the doctor and the other guest, for sure.
I thought you were fantastic under trying circumstances (ie, Mike). You looked and sounded great.
And your story about your greyhound made me snot all over my dog. :) It was one of those moments when I felt a little less alone. You did a great thing for a lot of people.
Wow. I am sorry you felt that agony . . . I so relate to it. But I am so proud of how you handled it. That is AMAZING. That is real live recovery. Thank you for sharing about it here. People need to see how recovery can work in their lives. It isn’t always pretty. It’s often scary and almost always very, very hard. But it is REAL.
Thank you.
I think just the fact that you were able to get on stage in front of a national audience and speak up on what is a shameful and secretive disorder for so many speaks volumes about where you are in recovery. I am not surprised in the least that you managed to deal more constructively with your feelings afterward.
To be frank, I haven’t watched the entire clip from my show, either. I got halfway through and then I shut it off. Rather than focus on how I acted or what I said, I immediately start to think, “Wow, my face looks chubby. I can’t believe I have a double chin again. Man, next to those blonde waifs, I look humongous…”
So instead, I chose to read the volumes of commenters who said that I was articulate and looked beautiful. And that is enough for me.
Thanks, Rachel. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do….stick with the commenters and get out of my own head for a while.
Pennylane - you must share your life with a pretty awesome dog. =^_^=
First off, I echo the *HUGS!*…I don’t think we can ever give or receive too many.
Morgan, your bravery in going on the show, in having this blog, in your honest reflections into your ups and downs is an inspiration to so many people with or without a disorder. I wish I were a better writer so that I could really articulate what I’m thinking, but just know that we all love you and are so proud of how far you’ve come!
xoxoxoxoxo
Thanks, Giselle. Here, have a hug, sweetie. *HUG* =^_^=
Love,
M.
Long time lurker here…I thought you looked and sounded great! I am so impressed you could get up in front of a television camera and speak so eloquently. I would be a shaking pile of sweaty nerves…
BTW, you have beautiful hair and skin!
Good to have you come out of hiding, Missicat. Welcome! =^_^=
Thanks for the compliment. I do like my hair. In fact I showed up at the studio sporting my usual bed head, and several producers said to me, “Oh, great. You’ve already been through hair and make-up. You look great!” Hee hee. =^_^=
I think that you are amazing. You put yourself out there for to speak on behalf of so many others who are unable to speak for themselves. For that you are an amazingly beautiful woman. It sounds like that you have grown from this experience in so many ways and for that it sounds as if you are thankful.
You are a person who stands for everything that we believe at the Beautiful Women Project: it is the sum of a woman’s life experiences that makes her beautiful.
Thanks, Nancy. =^_^= Great work that you’re doing with the Beautiful Women Project!
Best,
Morgan
Morgan, you are beautiful and articulate. Thank you for bringing your message to the world.
(((HUG)))
“I think that if we lived in a culture where women’s bodies were respected and cared for and revered, then eating disorders would absolutely be preventable.”
I mostly agree, but I also have to add that the whole woman, not just their bodies, should get the respect. My anorexia had little to do with physicality and everything to do with emotional and mental circumstances.
Excellent point, Rio. Women’s entire selves deserve respect and reverence.
Many many many hugs.
Just watched the Youtube video. You did a fabulous job!
I understand about seeing youself in photos or in video and being hard on yourself. I am too. I wish you could see what I saw. What I saw when I watched the video was a very LOVELY well dressed woman with fabulous communication skills. You appeared calm and confident, yet there was a softness in your voice that made me hang on every word. I could watch and listen to you all day. Excellent job!
Please continue to seek treatment. Your dog loves you and needs you and so do we here in the Fatosphere.
XOXO
Kat
Morgan, just wanted to say, you did an amazing job. I can’t believe how relaxed, articulate and composed you were!
So many people watching will recognize themselves in things you said, and that will be one more kernel of proof that there are other people who feel like they do, and better still, that those people are able to eventually feel better. I know I often still need that proof, and I’ve been wrestling with BED for many years.
Good job. Take those naps and hugs, plus a few extra hugs from me! You did great.
Morgan, I just wanted to say that I am so completely proud of you! Your story was one that brought tears to my eyes and made me realize a lot of things about myself. We are so similar, you and I, despite all the compliments we simply can’t find one good thing about ourselves on those ‘bad moments’, but then there’s that clarity when, all of a sudden (and with some help), you understand everything.
I love you.
Red, it’s been wonderful having you around. =^_^= Thank you.
Lovies,
M.
[...] Morgan, on her experience being on the show: I had a Complete and Total Body Image Breakdown. 9.0 on the [...]
So, yes, I’m a lurker too. And I start so many of these comments and never finish them - but I really think you need to know that your experience touches people all over the world. I’m in Australia and seeing that clip made me happy that there are people brave enough to stand up and acknowledge this ED. There is not nearly as big a FA/ ED blogging community in Australia, so your actions in the US do a whole lot for us fatties in AUS.
xx
Welcome, Amelie! (I love that name, btw.) It’s good to see you. Thanks for your kind words. =^_^=
I just wanted to say that I feel like I know why this was so upsetting to you… I was just flown to NYC for a photoshoot to be an “every woman” type for an article in Real Simple about sleep disorders. I was to fly there and back on the same day, which was chaotic enough. The photoshoot made me feel dumpy. I was covered in makeup and had my hair styled, but misc people who were trying to dress me, or just to help kept commenting that shirts didn’t fit over my gut and fetching all sorts of pins and tape to make it look like I have less of a belly than I do. Worse, the photoshoot was being done by a girl I went to college with (total coincidence) who was still tiny and beautiful (and amazingly put together) 7 years later. I felt so scruffy in my worn-down clothes, and like a total failure since I’ve just gone back to grad school but it’s not the program I wanted, etc. Anyway, it was a tough day for my self-esteem and I’ve been having trouble with over-monitoring my food intake since and worrying about my belly.
Encounters with the media are traumatic in a lot of ways. You looked absolutely lovely, take it from someone who doesn’t even know you and has no stake in your self-esteem. Totally objective complement. I wanted to be your friend. It’s -tough- to come out of those things looking like an appealing person.
Hi Morgan -
I’m late in commenting, but I did want to mention that it’s okay if you had a hard time after seeing yourself on tape (even though in my opinion you looked great!). Everyone feels self-conscious when they glimpse themselves on video for the first time, especially when most of the people we see on video regularly are artificially reduced and enhanced.
It’s fabulous that you handled the experience by taking care of yourself as you should, throughout the experience. And allowing yourself to feel upset without denying it was good. You handled everything just fine.
I realize it’s hard to remember sometimes, but we are all on our own individual journey. No one has a right to expect you to be anything other than what you are. By sharing your story with the world, you’ve helped a lot of people, including the other guest, Marie.
Thanks for being you, and for treating yourself right!!
XO,
S.
Okay, so I’m a total stranger who happened to watch the show on the YouTube clip, so I don’t know how much this will mean to you but:
You are beautiful.
You are really, truly beautiful.
To me, you were strong, and brave and real and fighting for all of us. Your beauty is pervasive, persuasive and real.
I have been struggling with those feelings of “ugliest girl walking the planet” which come up for me when things feel particularly out of (my) control.
What I’ve been working on is defining and honing in on what I think is beautiful. Giving myself permission to see things truly through my own lense. And through my lense, which includes a person’s motivation, caring, attention to self and others, desire to be real in the world, bravely, in spite of what others may think, you and Marie were by far the most beautiful people on that stage. You in particular were brave and strong and exemplified dignity and were honest and hopeful and that, plus what you look like (beautiful skin, hair, gorgeous features, clothes, the whole package) = beautiful.
For me, owning up to my own values and allowing them to color what I see (and subtracting the automatic thin=pretty knowing that some people who happen to be thin are also beautiful) helps.
I’m glad to hear you’re doing better- this is my first time commenting but I just wanted to say that I totally get the feelings of everyone lying to you when you get compliments and… well, all that. It’s so eerily familiar when I read about your breakdown that I had to say GOOD FOR YOU for getting through it and just let you know that you’re SO not alone.
“But you want to know the best part? (And I can really only call it the “best” part now that it’s behind me.) The best part is, I didn’t binge during this crisis. In fact, I didn’t even overeat. For the first time in a crisis, I really managed to eat prescriptively and not let the food have a role. It’s tremendous. And while I’m not looking forward to more crises, I am certainly looking forward to navigating them without the food crutch.”
Heh.
In the middle of all the drama and madness — you do know you’re doing the absolute most difficult thing to do with a biochemically activated and socially reinforced disorder, right?
You’re recovering.
You’re recovering.
Take a few hours and let that sink in.
We’ll wait. :D
wellroundedtype2, I completely understand what you’re talking about, when you feel ugly and mad at the world. Firstly, you are not ugly at all (even though I haven’t seen you in person, I can say this because you were brave enough to post here) and this world, despite all the bad things, is really a beautiful place. I have one of the best friends you could ever ask for and even she, who is the strongest person I know, has those days. There will be good and bad days, but you have to keep your head above that damn rising water and paddle your arms the best you can. You might sink a bit, but you’ll get back up there.
Doin’ my best, LittleM! Doin’ my best…. =^_^=
Red: I’d say I’m more of a dog-paddler.
I watched that clip, and I was nothing but impressed by your poise and thoughtfulness in the face of a very difficult thing to be doing publicly and the lack of understanding of the hosts, despite their good intentions. I also, like everyone else, thought you looked fabulous. You shone. You were a brilliant example of how smart and fabulous and gorgeous we fat chicks can be. I’m proud to be part of a community with you. And I know how hard it can be not to fall back into disordered habits when times are hard, so I hope you are proud of yourself for staying strong. If you could get through something like this, having the things you have the most issues with about yourself discussed on national TV, without binging, then I have faith you can get through anything.
Hi Morgan,
I’m really sorry that my presence at the Morning Show made you angry (and possibly uncomfortable). I wish you’d been willing—or perhaps had the chance—to tell me that you already had prior knowledge of me and hated my book. In fact, I wish you’d contacted me in 2006 when you made your initial comments (which I don’t think I’ve ever seen before now) to talk to me about your feelings about it. I’d have been very happy to have an open conversation with you about it because despite what you might think, I’m not actually one of the bad guys.
I deeply admired you coming on the show. You were incredibly articulate, doing an enormous service to girls and women out there, and you looked beautiful—which I believe I told you in the greenroom before the show (not knowing how you felt about me.) and I would have loved to have stayed to talk to you afterwards, but had to rush out because since they moved our segment I was running very late for work.
I can only imagine that you haven’t actually read my book fully to be feeling the way that you are about it. To be sure there are many girls and women like you who are happy with their bodies exactly the way they are—I do not judge you for it. I admire you for striving towards personal peace. But there are others who, for their personal reasons, would rather lose weight and not be fat. There is no right or wrong way. I don’t judge. By you condemning my book for trying to help girls who want to lose weight, I believe you are being judgmental of my work and of those girls and women who want to be thinner. I believe that your anger at those who want to be thinner—and those like me who want to help them—who aren’t comfortable accepting their bodies fat– is just as likely to drive someone to an eating disorder as those who push girls to thinness through unhealthy methods.
I spent years writing “Dr Susan’s Girls-Only Weight Loss Guide”. I was an overweight teenager and young adult myself, and I wrote from real experience. I had twelve girls help me, most of who were overweight. They met with me weekly for an entire year and read every word. I even added a chapter at their recommendation. I also had several experts critique the entire book, including two nationally recognized eating disorders specialists—a medical doctor and a nutritionist. There is a whole chapter devoted to eating disorders and the entire book is about helping girls lose weight healthily so they don’t become eating disordered. It is about eating enough food, not starving yourself and addressing your emotional, family and social issues. Despite what you think, there are no mixed messages in this book.
In addition to the inside of the book, the cover and title were also given great consideration. Hundreds of girls, young women and mothers were shown many different covers and titles and asked which would be the ones that would make them buy this book. These were the ones they chose! Marketing is important in book sales: the reality is you have less than 12 seconds for someone to see your book and decide to pick it up and consider it. My message will only get to girls if they pick up the book. It needs to compel them. This cover does.
I get emails every day from girls thanking me. They thank me for helping them lose weight without starving themselves. They thank me for rescuing from the brink of an eating disorder and they thank me for helping them to realize that they don’t have to be skinny to feel good about themselves and their bodies.
Morgan, “Girls-Only” won the “Independent Publishers Book Of The Year Award” for Young Adult Non-Fiction in 2006. It has won several other awards too. It has been reviewed very, very favorably by many prestigious book reviewers, doctors, nutritionists, parenting magazines, moms, and girls.
I really am sorry that I was a source of distress for you during a time that was, I’m sure already nerve-wracking. But, really, I’d love you to really read “Dr. Susan’s Girls-Only Weight Loss Guide” from cover to cover because it’s hard for me to believe that you’ll still hate it. I’d be very happy to send you a copy (and Ellie one too). You can reach me at http://www.drsusanbartell.com.
Susan
Hey, Susan:
Thanks for jumping in to the conversation here. I want you to know that I wasn’t angered or uncomfortable by your presence. I was caught a little off-guard, that’s true, but I had my own flight to catch back home so I wasn’t really available for a conversation after the show either. And I don’t consider you one of the “bad guys” - I consider some of things I saw in your book to be very problematic, beginning with the title, which regardless of marketing intention, still plays upon the diet mentality to my thinking. Having said that, however, I think your contributions to the discussion about BED were certainly valid and I’m glad they were voiced.
But to be fair, my review of your book in 2006 was based on a cursory examination of the chapters, and I will admit that I didn’t read it cover to cover. I would happy to read the book and present a more comprehensive review of it here.
.Morgan.
Great! send me your snail mail address to drsusan@drsusanbartell.com
Hi, I found your blog through Beth and thought I’d let you know that I think you did an awesome thing by going on the show and talking about your experiences! I can kind of relate in the sense that I have horrible perceptions of myself, only instead of it manifesting in an eating disorder, I have social anxiety and depression. I’m slowly getting better and I’m glad to hear that you’re fighting your ED with all you’ve got! :)
~April
Morgan,
What a pleasure it was to meet you on the Mike and Julie show! I thank you immensely for you support. I felt that you are a confidant and beautiful woman. Before the show we discussed how we were both angy at how society puts weight and age limits on beauty.I`m glad to see that so many others who have responded feel the same way. I`m on my 8th week of counseling, and I am doing better. Keep in touch
[...] medium for this FatGrrl. And by friendlier, I mean I was able to walk away without feeling emotionally gutted. Really, there was an incredible sense of relief to leave the studio and not be confronted by a [...]